Monday, September 13, 2010

2 sided...

So I feel like I have two sides to me and I hate it, which one is really me?  At school I try to stay positive and make the best of things, I have this front when I'm around others. But then there is another side of me that just feels like crying all the time when left alone. I have no desire to do anything once I get home, I just lay around. I think this is why I leave for work so early and try and stay late, so it keeps me occupied and I don't have to be the other me.

I really would love to be happy but what is happy, I've had this happy front for so long I don't know if I know what its like to truely be happy. How can I feel like I have self worth when even my own family puts me down. Isn't family supposed to make you feel good, not like you are worthless. But time and time again this is how I feel.

I wish happiness would really just come and find me, since I'm supposed to be blessed with it. I'm waiting for the day when I don't feel like I am right now, where I hate myself and wonder whats the purpose of all of this, but I'll figure that out one day, hopefully soon.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A Question to hit hard at heart...

So as I was sitting in church today we were asked, what would we be without the gosple in our lives. I've thought of this before but for some reason it hit really hard today, take 30 seconds to think about it. Where would you be in your life if it weren't for the gospel in your life.  Go ahead I'll wait.....
Well you get the point seriously think about that question.

I know for me I would not be where I am today without the gosple, heck I may not even be here on this Earth if it weren't for the gosple in my life. We all have stuggles and trials that we have to go through, but would we handle them the same if we weren't  members or if we didnt know what the gosple has in store for us. A quote I really like is.... Its not what happens to us its how we deal with what happens to us. This is so true if you really think about it. We are only given trials we know that we can overcome, Heavenly Father knows what we can handle and will be at ourside along each step of the way.

So if I weren't to have the gosple in my life , where would I be????

Well I may have been discouraged when I was 14 when I lost one of my best friends, I may have taken the same route as him, but gratefully I didn't and am still here today and was able to deal with the loss, I still have questions about it but now know its all part of his special plan he has for each of us.

When things didnt go my way I may have protested and my life may have went an entirely different direction but it didn't.

When all my friends started making wrong decisions in their lives I could have kept following them down this path, but I soon realized it wasn't my lifestyle and I knew better. I disappointed myself and probably others, but I did change because I knew it was wrong, as I moved away to Logan, I finally started to figure out who I wanted to be.

Logan me and Stockton me were two entirely different people, Logan me is who I want to stay but will need to keep working on that now that I am not there anymore. I was a happier person, I had amazing role models/ roommates to look up to and give me an extra spiritual boost that I never got in Stockton. I became a happier person and soon realized I am much happier and get along better with my Family when I am not near them.

Pennsylvania life was another eye opening experience for me, it was challenging but also enjoyable. I learned that I can survive without people I know close by. I only knew a few of my co workers but learned to rely on them for help. This is when I first realized the importance of the preisthood, and the blessings that come from relying on the Lord for help.

Priesthood blessings kept coming once I returned back to Logan, but most of all blessings and happiness came once I started attending the temple again. As a youth I never realized the importance of the temple. Its not just blessings for me but also for those whose work I was doing. My life was being blessed because I was thinking of others and not just myself.

I have the job I have today because i relied on the Lord to help me and guide me in the right direction and to help me make the right choice for me.

So to sum it all up, I know I would not be here today with out the gospel in my life, and I don't want to know what its like not to have it in my life again. I've been down that path and its not the path for me.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wonders sometimes what I've gotten myself into.

So somedays I really wonder what I've gotten myself into. I feel like I'm not making a difference in anyones life and they are all just in my class for the credit not that they want to be there. It's kind of frustrating trying to share my passion with others when they have no desire to learn it. I am finishing my first unit on the FFA and all I am hearing is complaining, why do we have to learn this, I want to learn about animals. But they just can't figure out that the FFA is an amazing organization, if they could just open their minds up to it and not complain about things constantly. I know I just need to give it time and things will work out, I need to stay positive and try to engage the kids so they will want to learn what I am teaching them, but some days its just hard. I never thought I'd say this but I actually miss Delta, the kids weren't just there for the science credit, they were there because they actually wanted to be there, they had an interest in the desire and what I could do for them. Now I've just got to focuse on doing that here in West Jordan. I need to make the best of my situation and be able to help those that are willing to learn, and eventually the others will follow. Thats all my random thoughts for now.