numb...

Do you ever just have so many emotions that you feel like you can't feel because you're at the point you're just numb? So many things are going on in our lives today, and in the world with the Coronavirus, upcoming election, and just day-to-day tasks. On top of the everyday stressors here I am still living thousands of miles away from my husband's, drifting emotionally further apart due to the stress and inability to meet each other's needs due to not being able to be physically connected. I still question when and if hisVisa will be approved as we are almost on year 5 and I wonder how much more can I go through. The thought runs through my mind on a daily basis what if... What if he's never granted a Visa? What will our lives look like then, will I give up my entire career, home, family, etc to go be with him or will we end up turning away and going our separate ways? We've gone through so much together the last four years and our upcoming third year wedding anniversary is weeks away yet I've spent a total of maybe eight weeks together with him over the last four and a half years. We are working on strengthening our communication and relationship has the miles don't seem to be getting any closer together, I pray that something or some resolution will come about and be an answer to our prayers. There are so many thoughts, and so many emotions going through my head that I just feel numb that I can't feel anymore because I've had to put my guard up to protect my heart again. A question so many different things and wonder if it would have made a difference if I was there in March or if they would have just denied him from the get-go. Until next time....

okay but not okay

Does it even make sense to say you are okay but not okay? It's amazing how being with someone as they take their last breath can really affect you. This wasn't the first time I've been there but in the past it's always been a loved one. Yesterday my mom and I insisted we would not let our neighbor die alone. No one deserves to be alone at the end. It was peaceful to see him out of pain and no longer suffering but will definitely leave a void for my dad.  My parents our amazing examples to us to serve and give back to others, they were taught by their parents who were taught by their parents and I hope one day I can teach children of my own. For at least the past 2 years my dad has stepped up and helped an elderly neighbor by taking him meals, grocery shopping, and most recently taking him to doctor's appointments and getting him the needed medical care. He was recently brought home from the care facility and was only home for a little over a week and things took a turn for the bad however it was his time to go. He's been in pain and suffering for years so to see him out on hospice and pass the next day is a blessing as it wasn't drug out and painful on him. The sound of someone taking their last breath definitely sticks with you and it's hard to explain to others why you aren't okay, but rather it's just easier to pull away and keep to yourself to help the feeling pass. I don't regret being there for him but moreso was there so my dad wasn't there alone as he didn't need to go through this struggle alone. I'm grateful for family that is compassionate enough to help a "stranger" in need, you don't find that quality in everyone. My grandma took care of him and showed compassion then when she passed away my dad didn't skip a beat and took over for her. Am I okay right now no, but I'll be okay with time. 

The uncertainty of life...

The uncertainty of life... Well 2020 has certainly been a confusing year for many. My life definitely is not where I thought it would be right now as I live thousands of miles and countries away from my husband. The past 4 years have definitely not been what I expected, but know that everything works out in the Lord's timing and unfortunately his timing and mine definitely have never lined up. March of 2020 became an extremely hard month for me, we were denied yet again on César's visa and now have to start the process all over and put more money into the process. After the denial I was looking forward to spending time with him in Ecuador but a few days before my flight I ended up having to cancel my flights as Ecuador suspended all travel in and out of the country. That was a huge blow my country won't let him in and his country won't let me in. Luckily for me it's only temporary until they get a handle on the Covid-19 pandemic. I even tried booking an earlier flight but was unable to find one, looking back now I am grateful I didn't go as travel is barely opening back up June 1st. I've tried to keep myself busy with work and craft projects to keep my mind from worrying about the things I cannot change or control and at this point that is a lot that we are so uncertain of. All of our summer plans have been postponed due to the fact no one knows what may be or happen as Covid-19 is so unknown and the spread of illness throughout the country. We started with Covid, then the earthquake, and now riots in the street. This definitely is a scary world we now live in and is this what the new norm is going to be? Part of me is glad I haven't started a family yet as these are scary and uncertain times but the other part of me wonders if I will get the opportunity to have a family as the second coming may be closer then we know. I am trying to stay positive each and every day and try to remember the Lord is on our side and he knows the greater picture of all things. Until next time, signing out. Megan