Thoughts on loniliness

What is the point of having a lot of friends if none of them are ever there to support you. I am more alone then I have ever been, and I'm tired of always being there for others when they can't do the same for me. I need to cut ties, but really there isn't any one to cut ties with as I don't have anyone. I feel like my friendships are superficial and are convient for when others need something from me. I had no support through my divorce from friends or church members who "care" about me yet never showed up for me when I needed them the most. No wonder I lost my faith and stopped attending church, stopped wearing my garments, and ultimately stopped believing. I've had far too many trials then I could handle but I've pushed my head through trying to keep my head above water, and at times barely did so. Who was there for me in my struggles??? myself and that's all I can count on to get through. I've realized I can't wait for others to come around because they won't!

Gratitude for past mistakes...

I can either be bitter or better, for the trials and mistakes I've made along the way. A wise friend encouraged me to be grateful for what I have and what I learned along the way then to feel sorry for myself. Did I get married to get divorced no. I got married because I thought I loved him and he loved me, but he was only with me for the financial gain and to get his visa.... if he truly loved me he would have made an effort. I am stubborn, I stayed longer then I should have, I invested time, money and energy to have a negative roommate who was never grateful for anything. He complained constantly and always put me down, what I've learned is I need a partner who supports and uplifts me. I learned that I can do hard things, I learned when life throws road block after road block it doesn't mean keep going but rather maybe to stop and evaluate the path and sometimes we. eed to redirect our lives and choose another road. I've learned that my happiness is a priority going forward, too often we out others first and ourselves last but it's not being selfish but rather being self compassionate and putting our needs first. I keep saying I am ready to move on, I gave him 6 years of my life, and he doesn't deserve anymore of my valuable time or energy because he only thought of himself and used friends and family to better him self rather than allowing people to be in his life to support him and actually be apart of the journey. I am grateful for the friends who stu k by me, who supported me, and lifted me up when yet another trial and disappointment came my way. I know he will get what he deserves as it's out of my hands and hopefully soon he will no longer be my problem, he chose to use me for a green card but if he only knew the love and happiness he could have received if he had actually married for love instead of convenience for himself. I am gratefulI realized his true colors and prioritized myself rather than staying in a loveless marriage. my motto this year is choose happiness and that's what I plan to do. until next time, Megan

numb...

Do you ever just have so many emotions that you feel like you can't feel because you're at the point you're just numb? So many things are going on in our lives today, and in the world with the Coronavirus, upcoming election, and just day-to-day tasks. On top of the everyday stressors here I am still living thousands of miles away from my husband's, drifting emotionally further apart due to the stress and inability to meet each other's needs due to not being able to be physically connected. I still question when and if hisVisa will be approved as we are almost on year 5 and I wonder how much more can I go through. The thought runs through my mind on a daily basis what if... What if he's never granted a Visa? What will our lives look like then, will I give up my entire career, home, family, etc to go be with him or will we end up turning away and going our separate ways? We've gone through so much together the last four years and our upcoming third year wedding anniversary is weeks away yet I've spent a total of maybe eight weeks together with him over the last four and a half years. We are working on strengthening our communication and relationship has the miles don't seem to be getting any closer together, I pray that something or some resolution will come about and be an answer to our prayers. There are so many thoughts, and so many emotions going through my head that I just feel numb that I can't feel anymore because I've had to put my guard up to protect my heart again. A question so many different things and wonder if it would have made a difference if I was there in March or if they would have just denied him from the get-go. Until next time....

okay but not okay

Does it even make sense to say you are okay but not okay? It's amazing how being with someone as they take their last breath can really affect you. This wasn't the first time I've been there but in the past it's always been a loved one. Yesterday my mom and I insisted we would not let our neighbor die alone. No one deserves to be alone at the end. It was peaceful to see him out of pain and no longer suffering but will definitely leave a void for my dad.  My parents our amazing examples to us to serve and give back to others, they were taught by their parents who were taught by their parents and I hope one day I can teach children of my own. For at least the past 2 years my dad has stepped up and helped an elderly neighbor by taking him meals, grocery shopping, and most recently taking him to doctor's appointments and getting him the needed medical care. He was recently brought home from the care facility and was only home for a little over a week and things took a turn for the bad however it was his time to go. He's been in pain and suffering for years so to see him out on hospice and pass the next day is a blessing as it wasn't drug out and painful on him. The sound of someone taking their last breath definitely sticks with you and it's hard to explain to others why you aren't okay, but rather it's just easier to pull away and keep to yourself to help the feeling pass. I don't regret being there for him but moreso was there so my dad wasn't there alone as he didn't need to go through this struggle alone. I'm grateful for family that is compassionate enough to help a "stranger" in need, you don't find that quality in everyone. My grandma took care of him and showed compassion then when she passed away my dad didn't skip a beat and took over for her. Am I okay right now no, but I'll be okay with time. 

The uncertainty of life...

The uncertainty of life... Well 2020 has certainly been a confusing year for many. My life definitely is not where I thought it would be right now as I live thousands of miles and countries away from my husband. The past 4 years have definitely not been what I expected, but know that everything works out in the Lord's timing and unfortunately his timing and mine definitely have never lined up. March of 2020 became an extremely hard month for me, we were denied yet again on César's visa and now have to start the process all over and put more money into the process. After the denial I was looking forward to spending time with him in Ecuador but a few days before my flight I ended up having to cancel my flights as Ecuador suspended all travel in and out of the country. That was a huge blow my country won't let him in and his country won't let me in. Luckily for me it's only temporary until they get a handle on the Covid-19 pandemic. I even tried booking an earlier flight but was unable to find one, looking back now I am grateful I didn't go as travel is barely opening back up June 1st. I've tried to keep myself busy with work and craft projects to keep my mind from worrying about the things I cannot change or control and at this point that is a lot that we are so uncertain of. All of our summer plans have been postponed due to the fact no one knows what may be or happen as Covid-19 is so unknown and the spread of illness throughout the country. We started with Covid, then the earthquake, and now riots in the street. This definitely is a scary world we now live in and is this what the new norm is going to be? Part of me is glad I haven't started a family yet as these are scary and uncertain times but the other part of me wonders if I will get the opportunity to have a family as the second coming may be closer then we know. I am trying to stay positive each and every day and try to remember the Lord is on our side and he knows the greater picture of all things. Until next time, signing out. Megan

Day 1 Keto N8 Challenge

Make Yours A Great Life...

Make yours a great life….
The topic that I was assigned is on the Article from the January ensign, MAKE YOURS A GREAT LIFE, BY ELDER PAUL V JOHNSON of the Seventy. What an amazing topic for us to talk and to learn from on this beautiful Sabbath afternoon. I know that this talk was something that I sure needed to read and learn from.
I am going to start out by first sharing a quote that I have had here in my scriptures from my seminary days. “Every day is a happy day, only you can choose a different way.” Many of us get caught up in the world wind of drama going on around us and are unhappy for whatever that reason is. We must not dwell too long on these thoughts or we may become bitter and discouraged. We are the only one who can change our day and our attitudes.
From the article it states… The world today seems to be on an economic roller coaster. We see businesses and governments trying to stabilize the situation. There is conflict and war in the world. Many are abandoning morals and eternal truths in favor of the deceptions of the adversary. In Isaiah 5:20 it states: Woe unto them that call evil good and good evil, them that put darkness for light and light for darkness, that put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! More and more we see evil being called good and good evil, these are challenging times.
How many of you, when faced with a challenge continue on with faith? How many of you just give up and say I just can’t endure this trial or adversity anymore? Don’t despair, put the Lord on your side and ask for his guidance and help and put your faith in him, he is willing and wanting to help us move forward. We are all faced with many challenges throughout our lives, but what if we just gave up and did not persevere through these challenging times? Where would we be today if we had just simply given up? I know several times throughout my life I thought I was going through some of the most challenging times and trials and that I simply just could not endure them on my own and wanted to give up. Then I realize I am not alone andI turn to one of my favorite scriptures to keep me going, Alma 36:3. I like to personalize it to fit me, so that it reads… And now, O my daughter Megan, behold thou art in thy youth and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me, for I do know that whosoever shall be supported in their trials and their troubles and their afflictions shall be lifted up in the last days.
This is one of my favorite scriptures that I turn to often; it is a constant reminder that I often turn to when I am struggling and about to just give up. Then I remember that I just need to trust in the Lord. He is there for us, we just need to be willing to ask for his help, and have faith in him and his eternal plan for each and every one of us. We often lose faith and forget that we are here for a reason and are tried for a specific reason. He will never give us anything that we can’t handle, and we are never alone going through these challenging times.
There are many historical figures with whom we are all familiar who went forward with faith in challenging times. One such person lived in a country occupied by the Romans. She was from humble beginnings and probably wondered about her future. Her espoused husband couldn’t find a decent place for her to give birth to her son, and later, because people wanted to kill her baby, the young family had to flee to another country. It seems like such a difficult way to start out in life, yet Mary went forward and helped raise the Savior of the world. Most people who looked at her early life might have thought she didn’t have much of a future, but because of her faith and willingness to do the right things, she was truly “blessed … among women” (Luke 1:42).
Moroni grew up in a time when his society was crumbling. (See Mormon 1–8; Moroni 1, 9.) The people rejected God and were on their way to destruction. It was a time of slippery riches, great violence, sexual immorality, and war. Moroni’s father, Mormon, almost single-handedly staved off the destruction of his people for a time. Both Mormon and Moroni lived in extremely difficult times but fulfilled their destinies.
Joseph Smith did not start out in a promising position for success as far as the world was concerned. His family was poor. As a young man he faced tremendous opposition, which continued throughout his life. Yet he persevered and overcame the obstacles in his path.
None of these people allowed the challenges they faced or the conditions of their world to determine the trajectory of their lives. They went forward with faith, and through the blessings of the Lord, they all became what they were meant to become.
How many of you would have kept trudging through these challenges and endured till the end and would go forward cheerfully in faith? Your future is not determined by the conditions around you, it is determined by your faith, your choices and your efforts. Yes, we are faced with challenging times, but so did Mary, Moroni, and Joseph Smith. You don’t have to be carried along the current of times. The lord can and will help you set your own course. The challenges you face will serve to strengthen you, not break you down, as you move forward with your life. Each of you has a bright future ahead of you that you can’t fully comprehend right now.
How will you face your challenges? Some will complain and blame circumstances or others for their problems. They won’t let go of bad feelings. They portray themselves as victims and become bitter. They seem to spend so much time and energy justifying themselves and pushing off the responsibility to others that there is no energy to go forward with their lives.
Others seem to live in the past and dwell on how things used to be. They are so unwilling to leave the past that they don’t turn around to face a future that would be bright if they would only approach it properly.
Some people dream about the future but don’t do much to move into it with power. They don’t realize that what they do or don’t do now will profoundly affect their future. People, who go to work with faith knowing the Lord will bless them if they do what is right, are the ones with a bright future. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve gave a talk entitled “Come What May, and Love It.” He explained how people should handle challenges: He stated: “If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.
Your future can be bright or cloudy, that all depends on you. When I was up at USU in Logan we made these blocks as a constant reminder that we will be faced with challenges, but we need to take the opportunity to learn and grow from them. It is guaranteed that we will all face trials and challenging times, it is necessary part of mortality
In 1993, when President Howard W. Hunter was president of the Quorum of the Twelve, he told young adults: “I am here tonight to tell you that despair, doom, and discouragement are not an acceptable view of life for a Latter-day Saint. However high on the charts they are on the hit parade of contemporary news, we must not walk on our lower lip every time a few difficult moments happen to confront us. … “Knowing what we know, and living as we are supposed to live, we really have no place, no excuse, for pessimism and despair. “In my lifetime I have seen two world wars. … I have worked my way through the Depression and managed to go to law school while starting a young family at the same time. I have seen stock markets and world economics go crazy, and I have seen a few despots and tyrants go crazy, all of which causes quite a bit of trouble around the world in the process. “So I am frank to say tonight that I hope you won’t believe all the world’s difficulties have been wedged into your decade, or that things have never been worse than they are for you personally, or that they will never get better.”
There are no better days than these days, because “these are [your] days”. You are here on earth at this time for a reason. You have what it takes. You have skills, knowledge, and natural talents given to you from God. If you live righteously, you will have access to the inspiration and strength you will need to triumph over any challenge you face. You will have the protection of a worthy life; guidance from the Lord through the Holy Ghost and prophets, seers, and revelators; and the power of sacred promises that are yours because you keep your covenants. Take these things that are yours and have a great life!
The Lord is our reason that we all have a bright future ahead of us; he lives and loves each one of us. He has plans for each and every one of us. As President Uchtdorf stated last night in the General Relief Society meeting, don’t wait around for your Golden ticket, we need to move forward with faith that things will work out. Yes, we do live in challenging times, but many others have as well like Mary, Moroni, and Joseph Smith and many others will be faced with challenges as well. Don’t get carried away in the current of life.
I want to testify to you that the Lord does love us each individually; he has a plan for us. We need to remember to put our trust in him and our faith; he knows what is best for each of us. I know this to be true, I have seen many challenges and trials throughout my life, but I have stepped up and moved forward. I did not let circumstances make be bitter and discouraged; If I had, I wouldn’t be standing in front of you today. I come from an inactive family, I could have strayed away for good like the rest of my family had, but I didn’t I found my way back. I have felt like the Lord really didn’t care about me, or he wouldn’t have given me such hard trials for me to bear at such a young age. But what I did learn was it was part of his plan, he does love and care for me, he wasn’t trying to hurt or damage me; he was trying to strengthen me for my future. I know I have a bright future ahead of me, although at times I feel like it is really dark and don’t know what to do. In those dark times, I put my faith and trust in the Lord to guide me to the bright side. I know he has plans for each of us, even if they aren’t what we want to do he has need of our service. I wanted to serve a mission, but the Lord has made it pretty clear for me that it is not part of his plans for me at this time, he needs me here. I was stubborn and did not want to listen to his guidance, but then he really made it clear to me that my service is needed here and not out in the mission field. We need to remember Elder Wirthlin’s saying come what may and love it! Don’t let yourself get caught up in the despair and discouragement, don’t blame others or become bitter, remember that your future is bright and the decisions that you make today will affect your future. I could be bitter and mad at the Lord, for my injury and not being allowed to do the things that I had in mind for my future, but what good would that do me? I can blame my circumstances and become angry, or I can take the challenge and learn from it. The Lord knows what is best for each of us and will guide us in the direction that we are needed; we need to remember it’s not our plan, but rather the Lords plan for us that we must follow. Remember that only you can make yours a great life. So come what may and love it.